So, we had to write about the day that changed our life.
I wrote about the day I met you in the girls' bathroom.
- Still think about it. - I wrote about today.
The day I kicked you hard in the gonads.
What did you really write about?
The day I started reading Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex.
It was the dawn of my feminist awakening.
And I wrote about a trip to the county fair.
Oh, God, it sucks.
Be honest. When you read it, was there suckage?
No, not at all.
I'm sure Miss Summers will love your paper.
Hayden proposed.
The one she's going to hate is mine.
She's so far from being a feminist. It's like she just won The Bachelor.
What? My sister watches it.
It's so sparkly because I brush it with toothpaste.
Okay, guys, we need to talk. I'm mad at you.
I read your papers last night, and they were amazing.
You really opened up and let me in.
Felix, I could taste the salt water from that first wave you rode.
Samgui, my cheeks burned with the humiliation of that spelling bee defeat.
Lucy, I could smell the tarts...
baking in your Bubby's kitchen right before it burned down.
I wonder if she could feel Bubby's second-degree burns on the way to the E.R.
Kat, if I'm not interrupting anything too important...
would you like to pass the papers out?
See? No suckage.
- Miss Summers, I think there's a problem. - What is it, Kat?
- Everyone got an A. - Well, that's what I thought everyone deserved.
Besides, how can I grade your memories?
Well, some memories are more well-written than others.
Kat, you are so funny.
- I wasn't kidding. - It's 2 karats.
I just want to hug it.
So, I was thinking you need a new purse, Dawn.
How long have you had that one? Four years?
Two months.
Well, after two months, I give mine to the homeless.
Oh, and you should see how happy it makes them.
I know, after school let's go shopping.
We can get you a new purse. And then we can get peddies.
It's sandal season. And then we can get sandals.
I can't.
Uh, wear sandals because of this big, gnarly bunion.
Ew, that just ruined my appetite.
Hi. Can I get diet soda, a chicken breast...
and an ice cream sandwich? No, wait. Forget the chicken.
Thanks.
- Four dollars. - Can you cover me, Bianca?
I only have a 50 and a couple hundies.
Oh, do you have some extra money?
I only have a 50 and a couple hundies.
I sold my brother's Lego death star on eBay, and this is all I have left.
It's so expensive being a teenager. Why can't Brad and Angie adopt us?
At least I've got a shot. I'm Asian.
::: Timecodes - gius :::
So, let me recap. You thought you deserved an A.
You got an A, and your GPA will stay a 4.0.
That is horrible.
But it is. If everyone gets an A...
that's only good news for the people who don't deserve them.
- Miss Summers doesn't get that. - Miss Summers?
Oh, I didn't realize we were talking about Miss Summers.
Is she still dating Mr. Hargrove, the health teacher?
- If his name is Hayden, he just proposed. - Uh-huh.
So, he is the marrying type.
No, I get it.
She's like the younger version of me...
if I was an insipid little manipulator from the South.
I just think this is kind of a serious issue.
What's the impetus to excel without the incentive?
Mm-hmm. I am glad that you've brought this to my attention, Kat.
The problem with women like Miss Summers...
is they are so hell-bent on getting a man...
they look upon teaching not as a sacred vocation...
but as a weigh station to poach other people's boyfriends...
and marry them and start popping out babies like tic tacs.
That's why they should be drummed out of the school system.
No, I don't want to get anybody drummed out.
I just want everyone to get the grade they deserve.
Whose side are you on?
I mean, grade inflation could damage the reputation of Padua High...
so after raising a little hell with the administration...
I will no longer be graded alongside that moron...
who turned in a one-page essay written in highlighter.
Look at you, fighting inflation. Maybe you are capitalist after all.
Speaking of inflation, can I get an advance on my allowance?
Stop being a capitalist. I'm not an ATM. You can't just push my buttons and get cash.
Which is why I was thinking I should have a credit card.
Then I don't need cash. Great idea, right?
- Yeah, dad. Why didn't you think of that? - I listened to you blabber on about your grade.
- Now it's my turn. - No, it's my turn.
- What do you need so much money for anyway? - Chastity is finally asking me...
to hang out with her. This is huge.
I know. She never mentioned Chastity.
Think of it as a business expense, like when you play golf with the head of the hospital...
only our version of golf is shopping, personal grooming, and insanely expensive yogurt.
But the social confidence I gain in high school will benefit me for the rest of my life.
The scary thing is I think you actually believe that.
This is America, honey. If you want extra money, you'll have to get a job.
- Or be injured on the job. - I'm 15...
I don't drive, I have no work experience.
I can't even babysit. Everybody in this neighborhood has a nanny.
Why don't you just tell your friends you can't afford these things?
You don't get California at all.
And then my dad said I should invite Chastity over to play board games after school.
Shoot me now.
Oh, I'm having daddy déjà-vu. This is too depressing to talk about.
- Did you watch The Hills last night? - Yes, boring.
All they do is sit around and gossip about cute guys and other girls who are being bitches.
Just like us. Only, they get paid for it.
We're a gazillion times more interesting than Audrina.
- Let's start a web show. - Ooh, can we get rich doing that?
We'll start small. I bet we can make enough for frozen yogurt.
And let's not forget, The Hills all started with Laguna Beach.
Cameron, are you free today after school?
Oh, I was supposed to go visit my grandfather...
at the nursing home, but I can easily cancel.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, he doesn't recognize me anyway.
Um, I need your help purchasing a domain name...
and setting up an online payment system.
- What are you selling? - Myself.
Dawn and I are starting this new web show. It's going to be an intimate look...
at our private lives.
Oh, gosh. Who wouldn't want to watch that?
Of course I'll help.
Thanks, Cameron. I'll call you later.
Sometimes they take a while to drop.
So do your testicles.
I- I'm gentle. And a man. A gentle man.
- It used to be a good thing. - Dude, you're too gentle.
You're like that little bear that sells fabric softener.
Wait, so, how do I change that?
Do I look like Dr. Phil?
Look, I know you're scary and tough and all...
but I really need advice from someone other than my friend Michael.
There's a reason the only girl he's kissed is his cousin Ruth.
All right, listen. Girls are pack animals.
You've got the be the alpha dog. Show her you've got fangs.
I should... bite her.
Dude, seriously?
You've got to show her that you can protect her.
Okay, protect her.
Yeah, maybe I can do that this afternoon while I'm setting up her online commerce.
Yeah, you can protect her from all that unwanted spam.
I can be her antivirus software.
Okay, guys, since one of your fellow classmates complained...
I've re-graded your papers on the curve...
as directed by the principal and a spurned, bitter woman.
For some of you, these grades are going to be upsetting.
But just know, I'm grading your papers...
and not the light that's inside you.
I still got an A.
Is that my paper? Is it an A-minus? My footnotes may have been overkill.
Mandella.
A B-minus?
Who do you think is hotter, Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds?
Jakey. Ryan's too chiseled. You could cut yourself on his abs.
Oh, my God. That's our first viewer. Five dollars.
- Cha-ching. - Cha-ching.
Ooh, maybe we shouldn't talk about money on the air. Let's keep going.
Uh, Dawn, I wanted to know which sandals you like better.
Oh, those. Totally.
Yeah, me, too.
- But those are cute, too. - I like their buckle.
Oh, me, too.
Well, this is fun.
Two guys watching two girls talk about shoes.
Oh, man, look how she chews her pencil.
No, this is wrong. I'm supposed to be protecting her.
Dawn, will you scratch my back? I think I have a bug bite.
A little to the left.
Now it's getting good.
You got to go under the shirt. Oh, scratch it good.
No, up. Up.
I can't watch any more of this.
Ah, that's it.
Charlie, yo, you got to check out this website.
Uh, BiancaAndDawn.org.
Oh, why did I help her set this up?
Gosh, I hate being a gentleman.
You're so much better at this than my friend Ashley.
She used to tickle my back at summer camp.
Here, let me try both hands.
Okay, maybe we should dive back into our geometry homework.
Or you could scratch my back some more.
Miss Summers, I'm so sorry to bother you, but wow.
You look really pretty today. Maybe it's that prenuptial glow.
Thank you, Kat. I feel pretty today.
Listen, I'm sorry I got all worked up about that grade situation...
but I take this seriously because I really want to get into a top college.
My dream is to one day wear a class ring from brown.
Have you ever wanted a ring so badly, it made you a little insane?
I have, Kat. You'll get there.
It may take an ultimatum, but do not give up.
Which is why I want to circle back to this B-minus.
You didn't think I was pretty at all, did you?
Of course I did. Of course I did. And gracious and open-minded.
I gave you the grade you deserved.
I know you gave A's to people who wrote about surfing...
and spelling and the stupid county fair.
I write about the day that, as a female, I discovered that society valued me less...
and you give me a B-minus? That's grade retaliation, and you know it.
Kat, astronauts on the international space station can see that you're a feminist.
I wanted to learn something I didn't know.
Your essay was predictable, preachy, and quite frankly, shallow.
If you'll forgive me, I'm late for a cake tasting.
I'm shallow?
Okay, according to our web tracking, we went from one to five viewers...
with the back scratching. We then spiked to 22 hits with the pillow fight.
And then we topped it all out after we bounced on the bed...
tossing beach balls for a grand total of-- Drum roll, please... $110.
We also got a nice cardio workout. Win-win.
Hey, girls. Nice beach balls.
They are our fan base? Yuck.
You want to know what makes it less yucky?
The cash.
Hey, girls. So, at the mall Saturday, there's a purse sale...
at needless markups where the pradas are reduced to only $250.
But don't let the other girls know 'cause I want them to get jelly, okay?
- We won't say a word. - Can't wait.
- We're going to need a lot more viewers. - How do we top beach balls?
Charlie, you and your friends and your friends' friends...
should tune into BiancaAndDawn.org tonight for some Katie Perry action.
I'll start popping my popcorn.
Sign my petition to stop grade retaliation.
Teachers should not be able to wield grades like weapons.
All right.
Mandella. Oh, people at this school have no integrity.
Will you sign this? It would be nice to have a real person...
other than Mr. Balzac and Mr. I.P. Freely.
I can't sign it. I don't support your cause.
Why not?
- I heard what you said to Miss Summers. - Yeah, I thought my grade was unfair.
And you pooped on my paper to prove your point.
Mandella, no offense. You wrote about going to the county fair.
Hey, it hurts when someone tells you you're too fat to ride the Ferris wheel.
- Someone told you that? - Oh, my God. You didn't even read it.
Mandella, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, well, everything isn't always about you, Kat.
- Hi, dad. - Hi, Dr. Stratford.
Hey, girls. Back again, Dawn?
I'm going to have to put your name on the mailbox.
He's trying to be funny.
- Good one. - Well--
- We're going upstairs to study. - I'll let you know when it's dinner time.
Uh, can you just leave it outside my door? Thanks.
- It's nice to see her making friends. - She finally has someone to braid her hair.
Dad, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth.
Okay.
- Am I self-centered? - Yes.
- Seriously? - Yes, you're seriously self-centered.
How is that even possible? I volunteer at soup kitchens.
My car is a bio-diesel. I want to change the world.
Yeah, but sometimes you're so focused on the plight of the polar bear...
you forget everything else-- Eating, sleeping, other people's feelings.
I can't believe this. I'm self-centered.
You're also a teenager. It's a common symptom.
- I don't want to be common. - Which is--
What's the word? Self-centered.
Look, you have to be different from everyone else.
- You have to try and-- - Okay.
These talks are supposed to make me feel better. Do your job.
It's natural to be curious about what it's like, don't you think?
I think it's just normal, teenage experimentation.
Mm-hmm.
Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.
- Aaaaw. - So close.
Bianca! Stop making me laugh.
Sorry, you just look really weird up close.
Okay. Okay. Just close your eyes...
and just imagine all those sandals and purses.
Okay.
This makes up for my parents blocking The L Word.
Uh-huh. Nice.
Hot choc-- okay!
Uh, dad, it's-- it's not what it looks like.
We were just filming a web show.
But you're the one who said I should be enterprising.
And you're the one who wants people to watch your every move.
Well, you got your wish.
- But, dad-- - But, Bianca...
once you put something out on the internet, you can never take it back. It will live forever.
- I got it. - People like college admissions officers...
future employers, your future husband could one day see this.
- Fine, sexy web show, bad. - Anyone from your friends...
to our minister to a child predator could be watching.
Are we done?
What exactly do you think those guys are doing while they're watching you?
Oh, ew! Ew! Ew!
Now we're done.
Kat, I just got my new set of Bridal mags.
Do not come ruin my buzz.
I rewrote my paper. I was hoping you would read it.
Oh, my God. You're like the terminator.
Did Miss Tharp put you up to this? Fine, I'll give you a stupid A.
Just promise me this helps you graduate early.
I don't want you to re-grade it. I deserved that B-minus.
It did lack an emotional component.
But I didn't just want to tell you, "you were right". I wanted to show you. So...
I wrote about the most mortifying day of my life.
Oh,"the day my dad bought me my first box of tampons."
Ew.
Oh, Kat, I am so proud of you.
As long as it doesn't end with "and then I became a feminist."
- Mandella, can we talk? - Why don't you write me a note?
Because unlike some people, I'll actually read it.
I was wrong. I should've read your paper.
And so last night I did. It made me cry.
- Really? - Yes.
It made me realize how much my paper lacked any--
- Hey, we were talking about me. - Right. Sorry, old habits.
Anyway, I really felt like I was there with you.
When you described the taste of that cookie you ate to suppress your humiliation...
I tasted it.
Shut up.
For real?
- What kind was it? - Oatmeal Raisin.
Oh, my gosh. Is he going to tell my parents?
Everyone's talking about your little web show.
Chastity, I'm sorry. It was-- It was gross and wrong...
- and we should've-- - Asked me to be on it.
I'm hurt. I thought we were friends.
We are friends. That's why we're going shopping together.
Ooh, no, not anymore. I'm going with Mandy and Janelle.
And while we're buying shoes, we're going to commiserate how hurt we were at being excluded.
- I wonder how they're making money. - Ooh, I'm on it.
What's on today's episode? Panty flash? Nip slip?
- Zip it. The show's been cancelled. - Oh, you tease.
Will you move? I'm trying to get to class.
I can get half the student body at Golden Hill to tune in if you girls go topless.
- Leave her alone. - Cameron?
- Or what? - Or I'll make you sorry.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
- You're about to eat a pain pizza. - Cameron!
I know what I'm doing.
Pick on somebody your own size.
- Cameron, are you okay? - I'm fine-- fine.
I would've kicked his ass.
I have a gold belt in the art of tae kwon do.
Luckily, it didn't come to that.
But thanks for trying to defend me, Cameron.
You're the sweetest guy I know.
What?
Who's the one who got the hug, smart guy?
Yours truly.
That's right.
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